


Take Me Back To The Start

by V_eliza



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 9-1-1 Season 3, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Protective Maddie Buckley, Tsunami (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24324274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/pseuds/V_eliza
Summary: Buck is struggling after the lawsuit, will anyone be able to help him through the darkness?“He’d managed to convince himself that going back to work would put everything back to normal and the horrible feelings he had would finally leave. The idea of life returning to what it once had been was the only glimmer of hope left.”
Comments: 23
Kudos: 289





	1. Chapter 1

To say Buck was miserable would be an understatement. It seemed like every time he picked himself up, life knocked him back down. First he was crushed by a fire truck, then he had a pulmonary embolism and finally came the tsunami. Each thing slowly chipped away at his happiness, destroying the person he once was. But what hurt his heart the most was finding out that Bobby was the one preventing him for returning to work, to his family. Being a firefighter was who he was, it was a part of him. He was losing the one thing that gave him a sense of purpose. Everything he had worked towards, everything he had fought so hard for was swept out from underneath him by someone he loved and respected so deeply. 

“You’re not ready” the Captain said, the words breaking Buck more than Bobby would ever know. It was hard to believe how much damage such a short sentence could do. Those words made him feel useless and broken, in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. The last time he felt this alone, he was still living at home under the menacing eyes of his dad, a man who had never trusted him, never believed in him. For so long Bobby had filled a hole in his life that his father had left. Now, he was empty once again. Another father figure had seen him as someone who would never be enough. The worst part? He was starting to believe he never would be. 

Deep down Buck knew that he wasn’t ready to return to work. Maybe he was physically ready, but mentally he was struggling. He needed someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay, instead what he got was tough love and the constant reminder that he needed to ‘suck it up’. He’d managed to convince himself that going back to work would put everything back to normal and the horrible feelings he had would finally leave. The idea of life returning to what it once had been was the only glimmer of hope left. 

The 118 were his family, or so he thought. How could they not notice how much their youngest member was struggling? The lawsuit should’ve been their biggest clue. Suing people he considered family was extremely out of character for Evan Buckley, not that anyone seemed to be concerned about that. The pain and betrayal felt by his colleagues overshadowed Buck’s own feelings. They’re not so subtle hatred cast a shadow throughout the firehouse. It was no wonder that no one took note as Evan spiralled lower and lower into the darkness they created. They didn’t notice the bags under his eyes or the bagginess of his clothes. They didn’t notice the way he made himself smaller as they approached or avoided their eyes in the few moments that they spoke. His family had disowned him. He was alone again.

* * *

Buck had been back at the 118 for two weeks. In those long 14 days he’d been called a traitor by his friends, yelled at by his boss and locked in a bathroom by some very immature coworkers. It was like he was living his teen years all over again. The death stares, isolation and incredibly childish bullying was rapidly eroding his already limited self worth. He wanted to be a firefighter, to save people, but right now he was being treated like an overpaid janitor and punching bag.

It was day one of week three when he gave up. His shift was a nightmare (but he saw that coming). Captain Nash still didn’t trust him enough to allow him on calls. Hen’s initial positivity towards Buck’s return had quickly disappeared in favour of jokes about lawsuits and shady lawyers. Chimney rarely spoke to Evan, choosing not to directly hurt his girlfriends brother (though he did laugh along with Hens many jokes). Eddie couldn’t even look at Buck, he treated his former best friend like he was invisible, even going as far as to continuously bump into Evan as a show of distrust and hate. Bucks shifts the last few weeks had taught him to hide his true emotions, to hold in the tears until he was in the safety of his own apartment. The loneliness was killing him and no one was going to save him this time. No one was there to lift the emotions that were crushing him, to rush to his side when he struggled to breathe. No one could tell he was drowning. So he gave up.

When he returned home after his shift, he didn’t bother turning the lights on. Instead he walked straight towards his bathroom, throwing open the medicine cabinet in search of anything to make the pain stop. Not a single tear left his eyes as he emptied bottle after bottle into his hands. You can’t un-break what’s already broken, he thought to himself as he studied his unrecognisable reflection in the mirror. 

In his determined state, he didn’t notice the banging on his front door. He didn’t hear the feet climbing the stairs or the yells of his name. All of a sudden, his wasn’t the only reflection in the mirror. A frantic Maddie stood in the doorway, suddenly launching herself at her brother, knocking the pills to floor. She took away his only escape. He couldn’t hold back the sobs that left his mouth as he realised he would have to continue enduring the endless pain. Chimney was by side instantly, lowering him to the floor as he finally crumbled in his friend’s arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie’s POV

Maddie was worried about her brother. She knew the last year had been incredibly difficult for him, though he wouldn’t admit it out loud. Evan had always tried to be strong, to plaster a smile on his face no matter how much pain he was in. It scared her how good he was at pretending to be okay. Then again, he’d learnt how to from a very young age.

Their father had always favoured Maddie. She was his perfect little princess, Buck on the other hand was the accident that never failed to disappoint. Leaving her baby brother was the hardest thing she’d ever done, the tears he shed the day she announced her college acceptance still echo throughout her nightmares. She held him as he slept that night, he wasn’t ready to let her go but she had already made up her mind. Maddie Buckley was leaving home. If she could go back in time she’d have taken him with her, tried to find themselves together. Maybe then she wouldn’t have married Doug. Maybe then Evan wouldn’t have developed such low self esteem. Buck was the kindest soul she’d ever known, he deserved much better than he got.

When Maddie first arrived in LA, she barely recognised her brother. This wasn’t due to his more manly appearance, or many tattoos, it was his demeanour and aura that caught her off guard. He was confident, relaxed… happy. Evan had found himself a family who showed him the love he had always needed. It was no surprise how easily she became a part of that family. They were an unstoppable group of people, each one showing individual strength on a daily basis, putting their lives at risk for others. Unfortunately their family dynamic was what caused Buck’s downward spiral. Losing them while being forced out of work had hit Buck so hard and so deep. He missed them, he missed who he used to be. But most importantly he missed being a part of a family. For too long, Maddie had tried to convince herself that Evan would be okay, that he just needed some more time. But after a few weeks back at work, her littler brother’s mood had only worsened. That’s why, after several unanswered texts and turned down sibling bonding time, Maddie (along with Chimney) found herself knocking on her brother’s apartment door.

Knock after knock, the door remained closed. Worry began to spread through her veins, desperation taking over every essence of her being. Something was wrong, she could feel it in her bones. She rummaged through her bag in a hurry, searching for the spare key. When she finally found what she was looking for, Chimney had to take over. Her hands were trembling so bad she couldn’t fit the key in the lock. With every second she didn’t have eyes on her brother, Maddie grew more and more stressed. All she wanted was to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but her mind was screaming at her that she was too late.

With the door finally open, Maddie launched herself up the stairs searching the open plan apartment for her brother. Nothing could’ve prepared her for what she found. She didn’t hear the scream escape her lips. Instinct took over and she hurriedly knocked the pills out of Evans hands, his reaction breaking her heart into a million fragile pieces. In that moment she had never been more grateful to have Chimney. As she froze unsure how to help her clearly broken brother, Howie opened him arms for the hurting young man, pulling him close as they slowly collapsed to the floor. Before she knew it, Maddie had joined the pile of firefighters huddled on the floor, desperately attaching herself to the two men she loved more than anything. There was no way she was ever letting them go.  
  
The eldest Buckley didn’t know how long they sat like that, clinging to one another. Chimney was the first to break the silence, he slowly removed himself the Buckley’s arms and disappeared from the bathroom. Seconds later he returned with a glass of water, handing it over gently to Buck and encouraging him to take a sip. As her boyfriend tried to calm and reassure Evan, Maddie studied her brother. How on Earth had things gotten this bad without a single person noticing? Her brain was begging her to ask every question burying in her mind, but now wasn’t the time to figure out where they’d all gone wrong. Right now the only thing that mattered was Buck.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 (minus Eddie) find out.

Howie wasn’t sure how the hell he’d ended up here, watching his girlfriend and her brother clinging to each other for dear life as they slept. Their cheeks were wet and eyes sore, but their exhaustion had taken over. Shame was all Chimney could feel in that moment. He had known Buck deserved better, that he had earned his place at the 118, yet he never stepped in to defend him against the mistreatment. For years Chim had lovingly teased Evan Buckley, and since the lawsuit he’d tried to convince himself that the silent treatment and chore duties were no different from the good-natured joking. But he was wrong. Things had gone to far. He’d just watched his dear friend crumble in front of him. The heart of their dysfunction family had collapsed under the weight of his own trauma, and they had offered no support, no love, no hope. He needed to make this right. First thing he needed to do was let the 118 know what had happened. It was going to be the hardest thing he’s had to do in years. The guilt was already eating him alive and he hadn’t directly hurt Buck, he couldn’t even begin to imagine how his colleagues would react.

* * *

Hen was alone when Chimney knocked on her door. She was alone, Karen, Denny and Nia had gone to visit Karen’s parents for the week. The last thing she was expecting after a long and hard shift was her best friend, clearly emotional, knocking on front door.

“Chim? Oh my god what’s wrong? Did you and Maddie have a fight or something?”

“No. Uhm can I come in. You should probably be sitting down for this.”

Nervously, the two firefighter paramedics made their way to the couch, neither one able to breathe normally. For what felt like the longest minute ever, the two friends stared at each other in complete and total silence.

“So, I was just at buck’s apartment. Maddie was worried about him, so we stopped there after her shift finished. We… uhm… we found him in the bathroom holding a bottle of pills. He wanted to end it all Hen! He thought the only way out was to die and he couldn’t talk to us about any of it. We managed to get there before he took them. We were lucky this time. I’ve never seen him so sad. He just collapsed in my arms, no one should ever be in that much pain. Maddie’s with him now, he was so emotionally drained that he fell asleep before we could really talk about it.”

Hen said nothing, but her expression spoke a million words. A river of tears was making its way slowly down her face, her brain unable to form a functional sentence.

“I know this is a lot to take in Hen, but he needs us. Say something, please.”

“I lied to him.” She gasped as the revelation took hold.

“What? Hen, what are you talking about?”

“His first day back, I gave him a cupcake, welcomed him back. I told him I wasn’t gonna follow cap’s lead on the whole ‘lets ignore buck’ thing. But I lied. How do we fix this, Chim?”

“We fix this together… I haven’t told anyone else yet, I just… I don’t know how!”

“Like you said Chim, we do this together.”

* * *

Captain Nash was exhausted. His shift had been one call after the other, every time his team exited the truck the damn alarm would ring yet again. The second he’d walked through the door, Athena had been there to greet him with the promise of a nice homecooked meal. As he watched his amazing wife make cooking look effortless, his thoughts drifted to Buck. Forgiveness was something he had not yet given Evan, nor did he trust the young man, but the last few shifts had made something very clear to Bobby. His team was struggling, they were having to cover all the work their youngest team member should’ve been doing. As much as he hated to admit it, the 118 needed Evan Buckley to get the job done. He could no longer put Buck on chore duty, it was irresponsible and deep down he knew it was kinda cruel. He promised himself that, next shift, he would sit down with Buckley and let him know he was back on calls. But that moment would never come.

The shrill sound of the doorbell disrupted his thoughts as his wife turned to him in confusion.

“Are you expecting anyone Bobby?”

“No, don’t think so.”

The Captain made his way to the door, ready to thank whatever delivery man was dropping off a parcel or dismiss some relentless salesperson. He wasn’t prepared to greet two clearly distraught paramedics.

“What are you guys doing here?”

Hen and Chimney glanced at each other briefly before Chim opened his mouth.

“We need to talk.”

With the food forgotten, Athena joined her husband and their two guests as they placed themselves around the dining table. The room was tense, air almost unbreathable. The look in Howard’s and Hen’s eyes sent shivers down the sergeant’s spine. She knew it too well. It was the same expression she bore when delivering bad news to families.

“Before I say anything, I just want to make clear that physically Buck is fine. He’s home with Maddie.”

“What the hell are you talking about Chim? What happened to Buck now?” Bobby’s exasperation echoed through the house. The only way to do this was to rip off the band-aid, no point prolonging the pain, Hen thought to herself.

“He was going to kill himself, Bobby. Maddie and Chim found him in his apartment with a bunch of pills. He didn’t take them, they managed to stop him.”

An eerie stillness enveloped the room. No one moved. No one spoke. No one could breathe.

“No. No. That’s not… it can’t be… Oh my god.” Panic crawled its way up the captain’s throat. In seconds guilt overtook that anxiety. He did this. He broke the man he saw as a son. He’d allowed his bruised ego to speak for him, to take the wheel and punish Evan for simply standing up for himself.

“Excuse me… I uhm I need some time,” without waiting for a reply, Bobby leapt from his chair, grabbed his keys and left.

Athena, on the other hand, didn’t move a muscle. She too felt she held some blame. She’d missed the signs with May, and now with Buck. They may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but he was her family now and knowing he was in so much agony broke her heart. She made a promise to herself then and there, one she was sure she’d never break. No one was ever going to cause her Buckaroo this much pain and get away with it. If only she knew who was responsible for the destroying of the golden heart she adored so strongly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena takes charge, Eddie finds out and Bobby reflects.

Athena was furious. Hen and Chimney had spent the last hour explaining just how bad things had gotten at the fire station. Her husband’s behaviour was childish and inexcusable, but a small part of her understood his actions. Buck was their kid. Biology and DNA didn’t matter, he was theirs. They were supposed to protect him, and Bobby took that too far. His choices came off as patronising as opposed to loving. However, right now her anger needed to be aimed in a different direction.

“You two, of all people, should’ve known better. You both know exactly how it feels to be pushed aside, treated as though you’re less than. You have been on the other side of the spiteful comments and silent treatment, how the hell could you allow someone else to feel that? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. All that matters right now is that poor boy. We could’ve been grieving right now, thinking about funeral arrangements but, even though we sure as hell don’t deserve, we have been given a second chance. We aren’t going to waste it. So, here’s what we are going to do. Hen, you are going to tell Eddie. Chimney, go back to Bucks apartment, keep us updated and let us know when he’s awake and ready for visitors. I’m going to go and find my husband.”

In true Athena fashion, she left no room for argument, sending out a signature stare that meant ‘I mean business’ and with that they all went their separate ways.

* * *

“Hey, Eddie. Can I come in?”

“Sure, you wanna drink?”

“No, I’m okay thanks. Where’s Chris?”

Eddie could sense something was seriously wrong. Call it a sixth sense, a third eye, whatever you want. Something was telling him to wary. Hen’s eyes were red and slightly swollen, her hands shook gently, and she couldn’t seem to make eye contact. Dread instantly swallowed the former soldier. There was no way that whatever she was about to say was good.

“Uhm he’s at Abuela’s. What’s going on Hen? You’re worrying me.”

“It’s Buck… He was going to… k… he was…” A chocked cry blocked the words from escaping, almost as though saying them aloud would make it all too real. She took a deep breath, telling herself ‘do it for Buck, he needs us’, and tried to speak once again.

“He was going to kill himself. Before you start spiralling, you need to know that he’s okay. Chim and Maddie got there in time, stopped him from going through with it. He’ll be okay.”

A second passed.

Then another.

And another

The suddenly, Eddie fell to the floor, his emotions burying him like cement. Each breathe hurt, his heart unable to cope with the torment. Arms were suddenly around him, trying desperately to ground him.

“Shh, you’re okay. Please calm down. Shh. I promise he’s okay.”

Hen’s soothing words were the only things keeping him afloat. He repeated them back to himself, trying to convince his brain that Buck was going to be alright.

“I need to see him. Please. I can’t… I… I did this. I wasn’t there for him.”

“Not yet Eddie. You can’t help him when you’re like this. Chim and Maddie are with him they said they’ll text when he’s awake, okay?”

“You don’t understand, Hen. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him. Please, I need to tell him!”

“Tell him what? Eddie you need to calm down.”

The sound that left his lips was like nothing Hen had ever heard. It was painful, full of heartbreak and remorse, echoing around the room.

“I love him. I’m in love with him! Please I need to tell him.”

* * *

The chapel was silent as always yet somehow this felt different. Bobby hadn’t wanted a drink so bad in years, but despite his emotional turmoil here he was, sitting in the only place he felt he could go right now. The priest was sat to his left, giving quiet support, waiting for the fire captain to be ready to talk.

“I could’ve lost another kid today.”

“Did a call go wrong?”

“No. One of my firefighters. His name is Buck, Evan Buckley but we all call him Buck.”

“You’ve mentioned him before. You said he’s had a rough year, right?”

“Yeah. He was crushed by a fire truck, then had a pulmonary embolism, was on the pier during the tsunami, sued me and the department and now… now he… he”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“He was going to take his own life. I can’t bury another kid, I just can’t.”

“You don’t have to. You said you _almost_ lost him, so he’s still alive.”

“I know that deep down, but I won’t truly believe that till I see him. The problem is that I don’t deserve to see him, it’s my fault. When he first came to the 118, he was just this dumb, hyper kid. He was reckless, arrogant and lacking any form of self-control.”

Bobby let out a breathy laugh as he reminisced. “The first time he met Athena, they got into an argument over his attitude on a call. Now she sees him as a son just as much as I do.”

“So, what happened? What changed?”

“He grew up. He became an exceptional young man who would go to the moon and back to save someone’s life, even if it put his own wellbeing on the line. You know, I told myself I wouldn’t get close to anyone again after what happened to my family, I wouldn’t go through that pain once more. But I couldn’t help but let him in. He became a part of my life and I never wanted to let that go. Then Freddie wanted revenge on me, and Buck got caught in the crossfire. The bomb that injured him, was meant for me. It should have been me. Seeing him under that truck, screaming in pain, it broke me in a way I hadn’t felt since the night I lost my kids.”

“You can’t blame yourself for Freddie’s actions. What happened to Buck was clearly traumatising for everyone involved but you cannot carry all that weight on your shoulders. You put yourself between him and a boy armed with explosives, you did everything you could to help. I highly doubt he blames you for the events that occurred that night.”

“I know, I can’t change what happened, but I let it affect me too much. He worked so hard to get back on the job that he pushed himself too far and ended up coughing up blood on my patio during his own welcome back party. I can’t get that look in his eyes out of my memory. That moment when he realised that he couldn’t breathe, I could tell he was so scared. There was nothing I could do this time, I just had to wait for help to arrive.”

“You felt helpless, and you haven’t let go of that feeling.”

“Exactly, I couldn’t let him just jump straight back into work after that and it made him so frustrated. He quit on me, didn’t speak to anyone for days. I was looking out for him, the same way I would for anyone on my team. But then the tsunami happened, and it was like he realised he needed to work with us me against me. He stopped pushing for a while, took the light duty work. He was good at it, maybe enjoyed evaluating our work a little too much. He came to give us our report after our drill. I hadn’t told him yet about his replacement, Lena Bosko. She wasn’t supposed to be a permanent placement, yet we wanted her to feel at home. She’d lost her firehouse in the tsunami, so we… I gave her Buck’s locker. The only other spare one was further away from the rest the team’s; it would’ve made her feel excluded using that one. I didn’t even stop to think how Buck would feel.”

“I’m guessing he could see his family slipping away in front of his own eyes.”

“I never meant for that to happen. I just wanted to keep him safe… so I told the higher ups that he wasn’t ready, but I didn’t tell him that. I lied to him and when he found out, he was so hurt. He didn’t seem to understand that I was only doing it to protect him. That was all I wanted. I needed him to be okay. Then he sued us. His lawyer used every bit of personal information he could against us, claimed I treated Buck worse than everyone else.”

“Is there a possibility he could’ve been right? Everyone tends to act differently when it comes to people, they consider family, your love can cloud your judgement.”

“Maybe. He got back to work in the end, but I just couldn’t trust him the way that I used to. So, I made him the man behind. Didn’t let him on calls, made him do the chores, wouldn’t let him join us for family dinner. I pushed him away. I’m the only person to blame for this.”

“Assigning blame isn’t going to change the past. Whatever you did has been done. All you can do now is show him you care, help him through this. You know how it feels to be in such a dark place, help bring him out of it. Just make sure that whatever you choose to do, you do for him not for you. Letting your emotions take control is what caused things to get so out of hand. You need to find the right balance. He is still alive, Bobby. You can still make this right. You can still save him.”

“I can still save him.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days later...

It was three days before Buck spoke. He’d spent the past 72 hours ignoring his sister’s worried glances choosing instead to focus on whatever part of the floor he was nearest to. The 118 had been demanding to see him since the moment they found out, but he wasn’t ready for that. He hadn’t even opened up to his sister, how could they expect him to talk to them.

It was clear Maddie was getting increasingly frustrated, unsure of the right approach. Her head was telling her that Buck shouldn’t be pushed, that he’d open up when he was prepared. On the other hand, her heart was crying out to him, trying to hold him and protect him from the world. Neither Buckley knew what path to take and it was driving them both insane.

Maddie cracked first.

“Okay. I love you, Evan. I thought that the best thing to do was to let you take your time, but I can’t do that anymore. I know I haven’t always been there for you. I’ve broken promises, left you when you needed me most and avoided every attempt you made to help me. I know me asking you to let me in is hypocritical and kind of ironic but please, I can’t lose you. You know I won’t judge you, I love you. I understand exactly how your brain works, Buck. You don’t want to tell me anything because you think I’ve been through enough. You don’t want me to worry about you. But you’re my brother. I will always worry about you. You’re everything to me. Please let me help you. Please.”

As she spoke, Buck’s quiet whimpering erupted into harrowing wailing. Tears yet again poured from his worn out eyes, soaking his cheeks as they descended.

“You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here, let it all out.”

“Everyone always leaves me. First you, then you again, then Abby, Ali, the 118… At some point I had to admit that the problem was me. I’m the kind of person people want to walk away from. I don’t blame you for leaving, I never did. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. God, it hurt so much. One minute you were the person I could count on, someone who supported me the way a parent should, then in the blink of an eye you disappeared. You were just gone. I knew when you first introduced us to Doug that something was wrong. I got so scared Mads. Every single time the phone rang, all I could think was _he killed her, she’s dead and I didn’t do enough to save her_. The few times we got see you, broke my heart. You weren’t my sister anymore, there was someone who looked like you and talked like you but with all life sucked from her eyes. I should’ve done more Mads. I should’ve done more and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“Buck, it wasn’t your job to protect me. I made a decision and I was so desperate for affection, for someone to take car of me for once that I let Doug control me. I tried leave a few times, but I wasn’t strong enough. It was the thought of you that finally got me out. That Christmas card you sent… Do you remember it. You looked so happy and I wanted to feel that, to be a part of that. I wanted to see the man you’d become, see your smile in real life. You were what got me out. You saved me.”

“I love you so much Maddie, I’ve really missed you. I’m sorry I pulled away. I just thought that… no… never mind its stupid.”

“Hey, don’t do that. Whatever is going on in your head isn’t stupid, I mean that.”

“I didn’t want to jeopardise your relationship with Chimney. You deserve to be happy and he gives you that and more. I know you want to protect me and I was scared you’d argue with him while trying to help me fix things.”

“Oh Evan. You know, sometimes you are too selfless for your own good. What is going on right now is something Chimney and I will need to talk about but how it goes down is none of your responsibility. We’re adults that can make our own decisions… Speaking of Chimney, they’ve all been asking to come see you. They’re all worried. I sent Chim home when he first came back, figured you wouldn’t want him to be here when you woke up. But they’re all ready to drop everything when you want to talk.”

“I don’t want to see them. Not yet anyway. I need more time.”

“Then that’s what I’ll tell them. You don’t owe them an explanation. You need time and they have no choice in that.”

* * *

The last few days had been tough for the 118. Every hour was spent agonising over every interaction they’d had with Buck in the last few weeks. It was fair to say that none of those memories were particularly good. Karen extended her stay with her parents, too mad at Hen to return home yet. Eddie spent every night street fighting, unleashing the anger within. Bobby was getting the silent treatment from Athena, even May and Harry became cold towards him. And chimney, well he spent his time staring at his phone willing it to flash with a message from Maddie, but the text never came. The four firefighters had barely spoke to each other since the day everything fell apart. No one felt confident enough in their own emotions to be able to speak without breaking down. Bobby knew he would need to be first to reach out. It was his duty as the Captain and he knew exactly who needed him the most.

Eddie and Bobby sat rigidly on Eddies couch, uncomfortable and over aware of their own movements. The silence was deafening. Where did they even begin?

“How are you doing Eddie?”

“Fine, I guess.”

This was going to be harder than bobby thought.

“I’m not fine.” That got Eddie’s attention, the inquisitive look on his face asked the follow up question for him. The Captain continued, “I keep thinking about how he was that last shift. I realised that I’d only spoken to him once in the 12 hours we were at work. I called him ‘Buckley’ like he was another employee, handed him a list of chores and told him to get on with it. I didn’t even say hello, greet him first. No, I just went straight in with the punishment. We messed up, me particularly. I’m the captain, I set the tone. My firefighters follow my lead, I let everyone believe that it was okay to treat him like he was worthless. If I were him, I would’ve given up a long time ago, transferred out, found somewhere new to start again. He must’ve fought so hard to keep going, I can’t blame him for falling apart. Before you joined us, I relapsed, you want to know what he said to me? He said _maybe ask for help sometimes._ He was there when I needed him, and I couldn’t even do him the same courtesy. He needed help and he couldn’t ask for it. So no, I’m not fine. And I know you aren’t either, if we are going to get through this, the four of us need to be on the same page. We can’t help him if we don’t understand each other. I’m gonna ask again, Eddie. How are you doing?”

“I’m so angry, Cap.” The statement was followed by a strong sob, uncontrollable and unending. It was a sound that had needed to escape for days, weeks, maybe even months. And now that is was finally out the words could be said out loud.

“I’m mad at him. Mad that he went and sued you and the department, that he told the lawyer all our personal information. But you wanna know what makes me the most angry? Me. I’m mad at myself. He needed me, and I let him down. I yelled at him, called him selfish like I wasn’t doing the same thing. I was the selfish one, thinking only of myself. I even used Christopher against him. How could I do that to him?”

“You’ve been through a lot this last year. It’s okay to be angry.”

“Not this angry. I did something really stupid Bobby, and I don’t know how to fix it…” He took a deep breath before he continued. “I’ve been fighting in an underground street fighting club. I tried to come up with excuses, telling myself I was doing it for my own sanity, that I needed an outlet for all the aggression I was feeling. But it has just made things worse. I need help too, Bobby. I can’t help him when I’m like this. Please tell me what to do. I can’t let Buck down again… I… I love him bobby.”

“I know you do son, I know.”

The two men sat together on the couch; this time they were relaxed, comfortable and ready to face what came next.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chimney and Maddie have a heart to heart and Bobby makes a shocking decision.

When Chimney first got a text from Maddie he didn’t quite know how to feel. Should he be excited, nervous or terrified? He couldn’t figure out, no matter how hard he focused. The text didn’t convey much tone, just a simple message ‘I think it’s time we talked, my place at 7?’, it could be bad news or good news, he really didn’t know. He decided it was best to prepare for the worst, at least that way he wouldn’t be too disappointed if things went south. Knocking on Maddie’s front door took more courage than he expected. His hands wobbled and his posture was alarmingly tense, but he couldn’t let that stop him. Maddie opened the door clearly just as stressed as he was, her smile wavering slightly as she greeted him.

“Come on in, Howie.” she said, stepping out the way to allow Chimney in.

“Uhm, thanks.” The firefighter-paramedic hesitated as he made his way into the apartment, it was strange to think he once spent so much time here. He considered this place another home, but now he feels out of place. Maddie didn’t even have to ask what drink he wanted, knowing exactly how he liked his coffee. She made if perfectly as always, the two enjoying the calm before the storm as she pottered around the kitchen.

“Okay, I know we have a lot to talk about, so I don’t want to waste any time. I’m going to lay everything out on the table, let you know how I feel and then we can go from there… If that’s okay with you?”

“Of course, Maddie.”

She took a deep breath, already knowing what she needed to say. She practiced this before, hopefully she could get through this.

“So, there’s one thing I want to make clear. I adore you and I want to be with you. But we’re going to have to press the brakes, slow things down. I feel like I need to get to know you again. You lied to me Howie. When I asked how Buck was settling back in, you told me that things were fine. That wasn’t true, I know that now. The only reason I haven’t walked away from you completely is because I know you didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt him. Yet, you didn’t protect him from the hurt, like I’d hope you would. You let me down. But do you want to know what I hate the most about all of this? That I still love you, and that freaks the hell out of me.”

“That’s the first time you’ve told me you love me.”

“I know, and I mean it. Buck said something that I can’t seem to shake. He didn’t tell me what was going on at work because he thinks were meant to be together.”

“He was worried you’d be upset with me and end things?”

“Exactly. I love him so much; I wasn’t always there when he needed me and despite that he goes out of his way to make sure I’m happy. So now it’s my turn to do the same for him. My brother comes first Chim, that’s not negotiable. We’re a package deal. I need to focus on him for a while, he’s my priority. We aren’t over or broken up or taking a break... whatever you want to call it. If you still want this… want us, then I want it too. But it’s going to take some time to rebuild.”

“I couldn’t ask for anything more. I will do whatever you need me to do to prove that I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one who needs your apology.”

“I know, I actually need your advice about that. I’m in desperate need of your sisterly expertise. What should I do? I did what you said when everything first happened, I gave him some space and didn’t badger him to talk to me. But now what? Do I wait for him to come to me or do I take the leap and contact him?”

“Wait for him. I promise, he will come to you when he’s ready.”

“I love you Maddie. You’re an amazing sister, Buck’s lucky to have you.”

They were both crying by this point, unable to contain the emotion that’s been building up for the last week. For the first time in too long, the couple held each other, basking in the love they've been holding back for a while. Maybe things were going to be alright.

Meanwhile Bobby and Athena were preparing to have a similar conversation. But unlike Maddie, neither adult had thought about what they were going to say. Things had been unbelievably strained in the Grant-Nash household. May knew how it felt to be low enough to consider ending it all and to think Buck had felt the same was earth shattering. She’d always looked up to him, he was the big brother she never had. They joked about that sometimes, laughing about him being her older brother, but the truth was she really did see him as a part of her family. He’d been so strong after everything he'd been through; he deserved a break and Bobby gave him the opposite. So, May had taken to giving her stepfather the silent treatment. If he dished out, it was time to see if he could take it. Harry was also cold towards the fire captain, though not quite with the same intensity as the eldest Grant child. He didn’t know the full extent of what was going but he knew Buck wasn’t okay and Bobby was in some way responsible. If May thought Bobby had treated Buck poorly then Harry did too. Athena was the only one still loving towards her husband. She knew him well; she knew better than anyone that his intentions were never to hurt Evan Buckley. Nevertheless, she still needed answer, it was time she got them, not just for her but for Buck.

The kids were with Michael for the night, allowing the married couple a chance to discuss things privately. Athena knew that Bobby had been at the Chapel the night they almost lost Buck, she hadn’t asked him about what was discussed, knowing it was best to respect his privacy that night. That being said, the current state of their home was becoming toxic, and the only way to fix it was to be honest with each other. The question was, where the hell did they start?

“How was Eddie? You spoke to him yesterday, right?”

“He’s struggling. They all are.”

“You know we need to talk about all this?”

“I know. I’m just… I’m scared, Athena.”

“Scared? Why?”

“I can’t lose another family. I messed up badly, I am well aware of that trust me. But I’m begging you, please give me another chance to make things better, please don’t leave.”

Athena’s strong façade crumbled at those words. She held her husband as he cried trying her best to hold her own tears back. She knew what it is like to fear losing your family, she’d been through it with Michael and she too couldn’t go through it again.

“I know, baby. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Hey, Bobby Nash you are a beautiful man who does everything he can to protect the people he loves. Sometimes our fears get the better of us, but no one is a lost cause. Talk to me, Bobby. What’s going through your head?”

“My job isn’t just to rescue people from burning buildings and car wrecks; I’m supposed to support those who work with me. I’m a captain, I should take care of my firefighters, and I failed. A good captain wouldn’t bench someone after they saved so many people in a tsunami. A good captain wouldn’t lie to his firefighters and good captain definitely wouldn’t allow the bullying and mistreatment that I encouraged. What happened with Buck has put a lot of things in perspective for me.”

“Bobby, where is this going?” The confidence of Bobby’s tone was beginning to worry the Police Sergeant. Now it was her turn to fear what could come next.

“I’m going to resign as Captain of the 118.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck gives therapy another try.

The last place thought he would find himself on a Wednesday morning was a therapist’s waiting room. Given his past experience with therapy, it’s no surprise he put up quite the fight when Maddie first suggested it. The argument had gone on for a while, neither Buckley pulling any punches. Some low blows where thrown and unnecessary comments were made, but in the end it was the eldest Buckley who came out on top. So that was how he ended up in an uncomfortable plastic chair in a waiting room full of cliché motivational posters. Every time the receptionist stood up to summon the next patient, Evan’s lungs would quit functioning and his blood would run cold. He really didn’t want to be here.

“Evan Buckley?”

No going back now, he said to himself as she led him towards the therapist’s office. When the door opened, he was shocked. The room itself was relatively bare, no posters or pamphlets. There was a well-used sofa against the right wall, covered with various decorative pillows, sitting opposite that was a single chair currently occupied by a woman named Dr Amelia Rhodes.

“Ah, you must be Evan. Come on in, make yourself at home.”

He tried to do what she suggested but making himself ‘at home’ was very difficult. If there was any place in the world that felt the opposite of homely to Buck, it was definitely a therapist office.

“So, I can already tell you don’t want to be here. I’m guessing someone you know, maybe a worried family member or a friend, insisted on this. Am I right?”

“Yeah” he answered, remaining focused on a _very interesting_ spot on the floor.

“Okay, well how about I tell you a bit about myself. I find that when patients come to me, they find it hard to open up when they don’t know anything about the person they are baring all to. My name is Amelia as you already know but please, call me Amy. I’m an only child and I was raised in New York. When I was 17, I lost a close friend of mine and seeing what it did to the people around me was what made me want to be a therapist. Ever since I got my diploma I’ve been doing whatever I can to help those who need someone to lean on. As for my life outside of this office, I have an amazing wife and two beautiful children. So that’s me. Tell me about you.”

Buck then blurted out something he never thought he would. Something about this woman made him feel unusually safe.

“I’ve been to therapy before. But it didn’t go well.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you mind telling me what happened?”

“I slept with her… my therapist. One minute we were talking and the next she has her hand on my knee and well you know how it ended.”

“You know she shouldn’t have done that, right?”

“I… well… I”

“Hey, it’s okay. I know this is getting emotionally heavy very quickly but that’s a good thing. It’s going to be hard but we’ll get through it together. Why did you go to that therapist?”

“I’m a firefighter and I’d just lost my first person. I wasn’t handling well, second guessing myself on calls, so my captain recommended one of the department therapists.”

“So, you were in a vulnerable state and she took advantage.”

“What? No, it wasn’t like that. I wanted it, I let it happen. It’s not like I said no.”

“Maybe you didn’t say no. But did you say yes.”

Tears began filling Evan’s eyes as the reality of being heard and understood began to sink in.

“After it happened, I thought I was being so stupid. Something just felt wrong about it. I took like six showers. I even joked about it at the station, it was well known that I had a tendency to sleep around.”

“A lot of people use humour to shield their pain. But what you felt was understandable. She abused her power and used it to get what she wanted. I promise you that you are not being stupid. If something feels wrong, then you are probably right to feel that. Trust your instincts.”

A feeling of relief spread through Evan’s veins. Maybe he’d been wrong about therapy. They worked through a lot that first session, focusing on his struggles after his bad experience with therapy and generally getting to know each other. To say he left that office feeling lighter would be an understatement and the first thing he did was book another meeting.

_**The Next Session** _

“Evan! Good to see you again. I’m glad you’re giving therapy a chance again.”

“Yeah I uhm felt a lot differently about it after we talked last week.”

“I can tell. You didn’t walk in so hesitantly this time. So, is anything in particular you want to talk about today?”

“Yes actually. You know about the year that I’ve had, and some of the questionable choices I made.”

“I’m going to stop you there. Any decisions you made, were yours to make. Only you can decide if they were right or wrong for you and I’m guessing its other people’s reactions to those choices that are making you consider them ‘questionable’”

“Yeah well, the lawsuit had a lot of unintended consequences and I lost the people I thought were my family. Anyway, after what happened when I uhm, you know, when I…”

“It’s okay, if you’re not ready to say the words, you don’t have to. Are you referring to what happened when your sister and her boyfriend found you in your apartment?”

“Yes. My co-workers have been thinking about everything that’s happened and they want to speak with me. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to talk to them, but I’m not ready to get hurt again.”

“I think you should pace yourself. Maybe start with one of them. Is there a particular co-worker you find easiest to talk to or someone you feel most comfortable around.”

“Well, there is Eddie, he is… was my best friend. His son is amazing, Christopher. God, I love that kid, he never lets anything get him down.”

“Why don’t you start with Christopher then. Spend the day with both of them, if there is a confrontation that needs to be had I guarantee it won’t happen in front of his son. You can slowly get yourself used to being around your old friends before you start figuring out how to mend the relationships.”

Buck had a phone call he needed to make once he left her office.

_“Hey, Eddie! It’s Buck. I was wondering whether you and Christopher would want to go to the zoo sometime this week?”_


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Chris reunite. Eddie gets his chance to make things right.

Eddie was stressed. Today was the day he was finally going to see Buck. He’d thought about this moment a lot since he received Buck’s voicemail the other day. Hanging out with Buck used to be so easy and natural, now he’s running around the house like a headless chicken. First he was searching for his keys (which were in his pocket the entire time), then he was trying to hunt down his wallet (which he’d placed by the front door earlier that morning) and finally he spent a solid 20 minutes looking for his sunglasses (which were sat carefully on his head). Christopher found the whole thing highly amusing; he’d never seen his father be so daft before. Christopher, of course, knew exactly where the things Eddie was looking for were, but he was rather enjoying the entertainment his dad was unintentionally providing.

Unlike Eddie, Chris was beyond excited for today. He’d been counting down the seconds, desperate to see his Bucky once again. He hadn’t let his father know how badly he was missing his best friend, knowing it could make his dad even more upset. So, whenever he was missing his Bucky, he would draw a picture to show him the next time they got together, and now he had a whole stack ready to show off when his Bucky finally arrived.

When Buck walked up to the Diaz household, he made the deliberate decision not to use his spare key. He hadn’t felt welcome here for a long time and using his key felt like crossing a boundary that wasn’t ready to be crossed. Instead, he knocked gently, instantly hearing the clacking of crutches rushing to open the front door. The anticipation was almost too much.

“Bucky! You’re here!”

“Hi! I’ve missed you superman!” Buck swept the Diaz child into his arms, both boys giggling with glee as they enjoyed their long overdue hug. Now this was exactly what Buck needed.

“Ready to go to the zoo, little man?”

“Yeah! I’m so excited!”

“Me too!”

Eddie chose that moment to disrupt their little bubble of happiness by hesitantly walking towards the front door. He cleared his throat to make his presence known and slung Chris’ backpack over his shoulder.

“Hey Buck.”

“Eddie.”

“Let’s get going guys!” Eddie said, trying hard to relieve the growing tension. “Should we take one car? I don’t mind driving.”

“Uhm yeah… sounds good.”

The three men boarded Eddie’s truck, Buck joining Christopher in the back, not feeling ready to be trapped so close to Eddie in a moving vehicle. The ride was spent hearing all about what Chis had been up to at school, his stories bringing a smile to Bucks face. It had felt like a lifetime since he’d smiled like this. As they pulled into the parking lot, Evan sensed chills go down his spine. He hadn’t really been out anywhere since things fell apart. The only places he went were his sister’s apartment and the therapist’s office. Being in such a busy public area was making Buck nervous in a way he had never been before. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea, he began to second guess his decision. Like nothing had ever changed between them, Eddie instantly became aware of the change in Buck’s mood. He noticed the way the younger man’s face paled slightly as his hands began to shake. Eddie knew Buck wouldn’t want his reassurance right now, so maybe a distraction was the way to go.

“So, which animal do we want to see first?” he asked, aiming the question at both boys in the back of his car.

“I don’t know, Dad. Hey Bucky, what do you want to see?”

“Hmmm. I’ve always thought zebras were pretty cool.”

“Awesome! Let’s see the zebras first!” With that, Chris was making his way out of the car, Buck letting out a breathy laugh as he savoured the moment, pure joy radiating from Chris. How he envied that kids innocence.

The Diaz’s kept Buck thoroughly occupied during their time wondering around the zoo. Chris would ask Buck questions about everything he saw, knowing all too well that Buck tended to research things heavily. Eddie, on the other hand, remained further back, allowing the two to enjoy one another’s company while giving him own input on the animals every now and then. Not for the first time, Eddie found himself admiring Buck’s enthusiasm towards his son. Never once did Buck belittle him or coddle him, in fact Evan treated him like any abled child knowing well how frustrating Chris found being overly protected. Eddie had missed this more than he realised.

* * *

Too quickly, morning turned to afternoon then to evening and the three friends made their way back to Diaz house. Chris fell asleep the minute Eddie began to drive, the excitement of the day thoroughly wearing him out. When they arrived home, Buck helped carry Christopher into the house gently placing him into his bed, pushing a strand of hair out of his face and placing a light kiss to the young boy’s forehead.

“I’ve missed you, buddy” he whispered lovingly, not knowing Eddie had been watching the whole exchange.

When Buck made his way into the living room prepared to leave, he was shocked to find Eddie on the sofa with silent tears streaming down his face.

“Eddie? What’s wrong?” He questioned, cautiously sitting down next to his former best friend.

“I should never have kept the two of you apart. You love that kid more than anyone I’ve ever known, you saved him from a god damn tsunami, and I didn’t let you see each other because of my own stubbornness.”

“You know I’d drop anything, even a lawsuit, to make sure he’s okay.”

“I know, I think I knew that deep down the entire time. I’m so sorry, Evan. Not just for keeping you from Chris. I messed up, big time. Whatever you need me to do to earn your forgiveness, I will do it no questions asked, even if it means you never want to speak to me again.”

“Do you remember what you said to me in the grocery store? I do. You called me exhausting. Maybe you were able to forget that, but I haven’t been so lucky. I can’t get those words out of my head. I’ve always been too much for people, but you were one of the few who never seemed to feel that way about me. I guess I was just kidding myself.”

“No. That’s not true. Evan Buckley you are an incredible man. You love unconditionally and fight like hell to save the lives of people in need. If Christopher grows up to be even half the man you are then I will have done a good job. You aren’t exhausting. I was exhausted, but not because of you. I blamed you, when in reality the only person to blame was me. I let you down, Buck. I told you I’d have you’re your back and I didn’t keep that promise. I understand if you don’t want to trust what I say, but I’m telling you, you are not exhausting. There’s just something I can’t figure out, there’s probably an obvious answer that I’m overlooking. Why did getting your job back mean so much to you that you would turn on Bobby so easily?”

“That’s not what happened Eddie. I had you in one ear telling me to suck it up and move on but then Bobby in the other insisting I take more time. I got so confused, either way one of you was telling me I was doing the wrong thing. So, I took the light duty, figuring maybe it would satisfy both of you for a while, but it was killing me. Sitting behind a desk wasn’t just boring it was insulting. Id proven myself time and time again but when it came to getting back on the job, none of it mattered.”

“You could’ve come to me. Before the lawsuit, when you found out Bobby kept you from working. Why didn’t you just talk to me.”

“A part of me always wondered the same thing. Why didn’t I just talk to someone before filing that lawsuit. Then that confrontation in the grocery store happened and I realised I’d made the right choice. You expected me to help your son through his trauma, and trust me I would help him without question, but you never considered that I’d been dealing with my own trauma too. I was caught in that tsunami too, Eddie. I was crushed by a fire truck, nearly choked to death on my own blood and then I almost drowned. Chris had nightmares, but so did I. I still do. I tried so hard to get through it on my own, but I wasn’t strong enough. There was no way I was going to ask you for help. You needed to focus on taking care of Chris and I couldn’t burden you with the mess that my life had become.”

“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for but you’re also too selfless for your own good.”

“Funny, last time we spoke I’m pretty sure you called me selfish.”

“I’m the selfish one Buck. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and found some way to convince myself that other people are to blame. You deserve so much better than that. There is not a damn thing you’ve done that was selfish. Maybe a lawsuit was the best route to take, but youre reasons were justifiable. We’d all let you down, of course you went to someone else for help. You couldn’t trust us to help you get your job back, I’m so sorry... There’s uhm… there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, and I think it’s why I reacted the way I did to the lawsuit… Buck, I’m in love with you. I know I have a terrible way of showing it. I just got scared, Evan. I wasn’t enough for Shannon and I’m nowhere near enough for Chris. I was so worried that I couldn’t be enough for you either and I took that out on you. I’m sorry.”

“You love me?”

“I’ve been in love with you since we pulled a grenade out of that man’s leg. I tried to deny it for a while, but that didn’t work. I wish it hadn’t taken you wanting to die for me to get my head straight, but even if you don’t love me back, I want you to know that if you ever need me I’m here for you. No matter what. Chris is as much your kid as he is mine. I’ll never keep the two of you apart again, I promise you that. But I also promise that I will fight like hell to prove how much I love you, you deserve to have someone fight for you.”

“Eds, of course I’m in love with you. How could I not be? It’s going to take a while for me to trust you again, but I want to give this a shot. It’s all I’ve wanted. That feeling you were talking about, not being enough, I know what that’s like. People always leave me, and I figured that if I ever told you how I felt, you would leave me to. I guess we’re just going to have to prove to each other that we’re in this completely. I’ve been going to therapy, it is helping more than I thought it would. I can’t tell you I haven’t thought about ending everything since the last time because that just isn’t true. But for the first time in months, I feel like I still have something worth staying for.”

“You’ll never feel alone again. I’ll be here whenever you need me. Trust me, you’ll get sick of me but I’m not going to leave you. I uhm… I’ve been seeing a therapist too. Guess my father’s ‘suck it up’ attitude didn’t do me any favours. Whenever you’re ready, I’d really like to take you out on a date. I want to do this right.”

The two firefighters held each other that night. They cried through the hours as the stars became visible in the sky all the way until clouds had replaced those same stars. Everything they had been holding in finally had a chance to exist in the world. Nothing had been fully repaired, not yet. But they were on their way to finding happiness with each other.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chimney and Hen make amends with Buck.

Henrietta Wilson like to think of herself as a decent present. She hadn’t always done the right thing, but her intentions could rarely be questioned. Having felt the pain of being excluded for so much of her life she’d promised herself she’d never allow another person to feel that loneliness. She prided herself on her openminded nature and kindness towards others, which is why she was so mad at herself about the current Buck situation. Maybe she hadn’t been quite as cold towards Buck as Bobby or Eddie, but that didn’t lessen the guilt she felt knowing how blue her Buckaroo had become. She wasn’t sure how to mend things, but she knew she couldn’t put it off much longer.

Chimney felt no different. Having started to repair his relationship with Maddie, he felt that one thing was missing from his life. He needed to have Buck around. That kid never failed to bring a smile to his face, and it was time Chimney put in the effort to return that happiness to Evan himself. He’d been struggling for a while with how to approach Buck. Every idea he had started out sounding good, but he always ended up picking holes in them before he actually put the plan into motion. Thank god for hen, he thought as he received a text from his best friend.

_What do you think about coming with me to meet buck for coffee?_

Now that sounded like a good idea, all they needed was for Buck to agree.

In the end Buck accepted their invitation and met the two paramedics for coffee at a café near the firehouse. They’d all mentioned wanting to try the place out before and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. Hen, finding she couldn’t sit around at home and stress, arrived half an hour early. She ordered a coffee and took a seat near the window. Her leg was bouncing up and down, she hadn’t felt this nervous in a very long time. As the agreed upon meeting time drew closer Chimney finally joined her, smiling before walking up to the counter ordering what he knew was Buck’s favourite drink.

Evan was pleasantly surprised when he arrived at the coffee shop. Awaiting him were Hen, Chimney and his favourite coffee, they knew him well.

“You guys didn’t need to buy me a drink.”

“Consider it an olive branch, buckaroo.” It felt weird to call him Buckaroo after being less than friends for such a long period of time. Buck himself smiled shyly at the use of the nickname. He’d missed them more than he’d let on.

“How are you doing?”

“Much better, thanks Chimney. I started going to therapy.”

“Let me guess, Maddie forced you to go?”

“How did you know. Haha. She was right though, it is helping. Don’t tell her that, pretty sure she’ll never let it go.”

“Huh, she’s a sore winner, sounds like someone else I know.”

“Who, me? Never, Henrietta, I’ll have you know that I am a very gracious winner.”

“I seem to remember differently. How about that time you won Mario Kart, huh? I vividly recall a certain someone dancing around the station letting everyone know he’d finally one.”

“Okay, okay. You’ve made your point, Chim.”

“I’ve missed this, Buck. I know you’re probably sick of apologies, but I need to the say this. When Chimney showed up at my door telling me how close you’d gotten to ending your life, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it, for so long you’d been the light of our firehouse. You always made sure we were all okay after bad calls, checking in when our personal lives were falling apart, and yet we weren’t there for you. I’m so mad at myself for that. You were crying out for help, but we were all to wrapped up in our own egos to notice. We almost lost you, and that was on us. If you ever feel like that again, I promise you we will be there to help you through it. You deserve so much better and we are going to make damn sure no one ever hurts you the way we did again.” Hen was in tears as her speech reached its end, unable to look Buck in eye for longer than a second. If she had kept eye contact, she would’ve seen the tears dampening his cheeks. You’d think after spending so much of his time over the last few days crying that he’d have permanent tear tracks on his face. Chim wasn’t holding up much better.

“I don’t really know what else I can say, Buck. Hen said it all. But I am sorry that you felt like you had to sacrifice your own happiness to protect my relationship with Maddie. I know I tease you a lot, call you dumb sometimes, but I never meant any of it, I never realised how much it hurt you. You’re my little brother, teasing you is my job. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know that you are a smart, talented, strong man and Hen was right when she said that we will help you if you ever need us again.”

“I love you two.”

“We love you too Buckaroo. Have you spoken to anyone else yet?”

“Yeah, I spent the day with Eddie and Christopher a few days ago.”

“Really, I’m glad. How did it go?”

“Good, really good.”

“Buck… why do you have that look on your face?”

“What look?”

“The I’m in love, kind of look… Wait! OH MY GOD! YOU AND EDDIE… FINALLY… Damn it, now we owe Athena money.”

“Uhm what?”

“Wait! Does Maddie know, cos she didn’t tell me.”

“Come with us, we’ve got to swing by Athena’s, I’m sure she’d be more than happy to explain.”

“Maybe that’s not a good idea, Hen.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Bobby’s working today.”

The three firefighters made their way to Athena and Bobby’s, Buck still trying to get answers from the two of them who were still keeping their mouths shut. Athena was very confused when she saw Hen’s car pulling into her driveway, her friend hadn’t been around since the lawsuit began so her showing up now with no warning was definitely out of the ordinary. She was even more surprised to see Chimney climb out of the passenger seat looking somewhat defeated. The one thing she never could’ve predicted was Evan Buckley exiting Henrietta Wilson’s vehicle. Athena being the mother hen that she is, ran towards her front door, throwing it open and launching herself into Buck’s arms.

“Buck. I’m so glad to see you.”

“Hey Athena.”

“Uhm what about us.”

“Give me a second, you two. So needy.” Buck laughed at Hen and Chimney’s dramatic reactions to not being the centre of Athena’s attention.

“Come on in guys.” Once they were all settled in the Grant-Nash living room, Athena jumped straight into the questioning.

“So, why are you all here.” At that moment, Hen’s hands reached into her pocket, bringing out a stack of bills.

“Wait a second. You’re giving me money… That could only mean one thing. I WON THE BET!”

“Yes Athena, you won the bet.”

“Okay will someone please tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Fine, but don’t be mad. Athena, Chimney, Carla and I had a little bet going on about when you and Eddie would finally admit your feelings towards each other.”

“You bet on us! I should’ve known.”

“Jokes aside, as happy as I am to have won, I am even more glad that you and Eddie have talked things out. You two are perfect for each other. You deserve to be happy, Buckaroo.”

“Athena please stop, you’re going to make me cry.”

“Aww I can’t help it Buck. You know you’re basically my kid. Which means I need to visit a certain Diaz and give him a talking to.”

“Ooohhhh Eddie’s getting the shovel talk.”

“Hey shut up Chimney!”

“You know there’s one more thing you’ve got to do Buck.”

“I know.”

“Bobby’s shift finishes in an hour. Why don’t you hang around here for a bit then you two can talk when he gets back?”

Athena was right, there was no more putting it off. Bobby was the one person who he really needed to talk to. There’s no time like the present.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and Buck finally talk.

Bobby had found that his shifts at the 118 were becoming more and more arduous. He’d spend his days counting down the hours until he could go home. Athena had persuaded him to hold off on resigning for a while, just until everything with Buck had been smoothed over. He reluctantly agreed but his mind was already made up. No matter what happened over the next few weeks, Bobby didn’t see himself as fit to be a captain. Home life was just as rough as work life, he found he couldn’t look his step-kids in the eye, having disappointed them more than he ever thought he could. He and Athena had started going to couple’s therapy in an attempt to mend their relationship. Things weren’t perfect but their marriage was getting better.

All he wanted to do when he arrived home was have a nice meal, watch some TV and then go to bed. But life had other plans for him tonight. Pulling into his driveway, one thing became very clear, his plans for a quiet night were ruined. Hen’s car was parked in his spot. He took a deep breath as he unlocked the front door, worried that Hen’s appearance at the Grant-Nash household wasn’t anything too serious. He’d had enough bad news to last a lifetime. He slid his key into the lock ready to enter but the handle twisted before he could touch it. All of a sudden, Chimney was in his face. Both men jumped dramatically, squealing like teenage girls as they accidently startled each other.

“Chimney, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Sorry Cap, me and Hen were just leaving.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question…”

“We were just dropping someone off.” Seconds later, Hen appeared from behind Chimney, waving enthusiastically at Bobby as she dragged Chim towards her car.

“See you later, Bobby!” She yelled, suspiciously. The two paramedics were clearly up to something.

Bobby hesitantly entered his home, somewhat expecting another jump scare. If you’d ask him to list every possibility of who Hen and Chim could’ve dropped off, he never would’ve given the right answer.

“Hey Athena, what’s going on… Buck?”

Athena cleared her throat, getting up from the sofa to greet her husband. Placing a gentle kiss on Bobby’s cheek, she welcomed her husband home before excusing herself.

“I’ll leave you two to it.”

Bobby slowly made his way over to the sofa, taking a seat further from Buck than Athena had previously been. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. He’d hoped that when he finally saw Buck that he would have had time to prepare. Luck wasn’t on his side.

“Do you need a drink, Buck.”

“Uhm, no thanks.”

Both men looked at the floor with a shocking amount of awkwardness, it was strange to think they had once been like father and son.

“Buck, I uhm… I need to you to know why I did what I did. Seeing you pinned under that truck was one of the worst days of my life. I felt completely hopeless, it’s my job to protect all of you and I failed.”

“If you felt like that then why the hell weren’t you there when I woke up from my surgery?”

“There’s no excuse for that. It was so hard to see you in that hospital bed. I put my needs first and that was incredibly selfish of me. I’m so sorry. You’re right, we should’ve been there when you woke up, me particularly. I tried to make up for it by helping you through the physical therapy but that wasn’t enough. You deserved a lot more than that. Maybe if I’d been there with you from the moment you woke up you wouldn’t have pushed so hard to get back to work. You ran yourself into the ground because from the moment you woke up you felt us leaving you behind.”

“I was so scared Bobby. I was so alone and none of you were there when I need you most. It was all about what was convenient for you, it didn’t matter what I needed.”

“I’ll never forgive myself for that Buck and I let it get even worse after your pulmonary embolism. I was so worried about seeing you in pain that I stopped you from working. I let my fears take over. After I lost my family, I had nightmares where I watched them die over and over again. After almost losing you twice, the nightmares came back but suddenly you were there too. I couldn’t save you from the same fire that killed my family. I wanted to protect you, but I also worried that by getting so close to you I’d brought this on myself. So I pushed you away, told myself it was to keep you safe but really I wanted to keep myself safe.”

For a while, neither one spoke, not sure what to say next. Where the hell did they go from here?

“I had nightmares too.” Bobby’s head snapped up at that, looking towards Buck in a mixture of sympathy and regret.

“Sometimes I’m trapped under the truck again, sometimes I’m coughing up blood and sometimes I’m drowning again. The worst ones are when it’s all three at once. My legs stuck, I can’t move and then I’m chocking and all of sudden the water’s coming and Chris is screaming for me, but I can’t get to him… I can’t save him… I can’t…”

Bobby rushed closer to Evan, wrapping him up in his arms, holding him tightly. Watching Buck crumble like this broke his heart into a million pieces that could never be put back together. This kid deserved so much better.

“You’re going to be okay, Buck. You’re going to be okay.” Buck grasped on to Bobby’s arms as the older man held him. He felt safe in his Captain’s embrace, it was a safety he hadn’t felt in a very long time. When the sobbing slowed, the two pulled apart, knowing they still had more to talk about.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise Buck. You should never be sorry for feeling.” Buck nodded in response, drying his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“I guess we should talk about the lawsuit?”

“Yeah, we need to. Look, Buck, I never should’ve lied to you. I think I knew deep down that you were ready to be back at work, you proved that during the tsunami. I was the one that wasn’t ready. If I’d explained that from the beginning maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand.”

“I understand that. But at the time I felt so betrayed, I trusted you and to find out you were holding me back killed me. I felt like no one had my back, I needed to fight for my job, and I had no choice but to do it alone. The lawyer was the only person that seemed to want to fight with me. I know now that I should never have trusted him. He just wanted a pay-out.”

“You can’t blame yourself for trusting him. We pushed you away and he saw an opportunity. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do but your reasons for suing me and the department were valid. That being said, you shouldn’t have told the lawyer all that personal information.”

“I know. I didn’t realise he was going to use it against you, I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it’s true. I was being naïve.”

“You wanted someone to trust because I let you down. You’re not naïve, Buck. You are one of the smartest people I know.”

“You really mean it?” Bobby looked towards Buck with compassion, wishing he’d never caused Evan to doubt himself.

“Of course I mean it, kid. You are intelligent, and kind and a damn good firefighter. The way I treated you after the lawsuit was unforgivable and childish.”

“I forgive you, Bobby.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But I do. I know I’ve never told you much about my life before the 118 and I don’t think I’m ready to tell you everything yet but there’s one thing I do want you to know. My father wasn’t a bad person, but he was a bad father. He never cared about my wellbeing. He wanted a son that he could brag about. I wasn’t that son, I was never good enough for him. It didn’t matter if I was happy as long as he was. I haven’t spoken to him for years. I don’t think I realised how bad a father he was until I met you. You showed me what a father should be. You took care of me and taught me how to be a better man. I don’t know where I’d be without you and I can’t lose you from my life. So, I forgive you for everything. I love you Bobby, I’ve missed you so much.”

“Buck, I’ve missed you too. I promise you I will be there for you whenever you need me. I love you, son.”

“I uhm… I don’t think I’m ready to go back to work yet, I need some more time. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course. There’s something I need to tell you… I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few weeks. The way I acted towards you, both at work and outside of it, was beyond unprofessional. So, I decided that I’m going to resign as captain. I don’t deserve the title, don’t worry though I will make sure they hire someone good, I promise.”

“What! No… No, you can’t resign. Bobby, I can’t do this without you. We both messed up, but the 118 would be nothing without you, we wouldn’t be a family if it wasn’t for you. You are an amazing captain, no one will ever be able to replace you. Don’t resign because of all of this. I don’t want to see you walk away from this job until your old and grey… well… you’re already going grey but that’s not the point.” Both men erupted into a fit a laughter. Only Evan Buckley could get away with calling his captain an old man. When the chuckling reached its end, the two firefighters embrace each other again, lingering a little longer than normal in attempt to make up for the weeks they went without contact.

“Okay Buck. I won’t resign, not yet.”

“Well thank god for that!” The statement scared the hell out of Buck and Bobby, Athena really knew how to make an entrance.

“You two figured everything out or do I need to leave and come back in an hour.” Bobby got up from the couch, placing a kiss on his wife’s cheek much like she had earlier.

“We’re all good, Athena. I think everything’s going to be okay, right son?”

“Yeah, pops. We’re okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading xx


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